How do we know what love looks like? Most people gather their first insights on love from watching their parents or peer group. And with America’s sky high divorce rate, that may not be the smartest direction to look in. Others use movies and books as their guidelines for love. The Notebook and The Titanic being the manual for what women tend to think love looks like. But this doesn’t usually paint the most realistic expectations for our partners. Then there are the people who let music paint the picture of the world. And often, this is the clearest example of an honest look at love.
My parents were divorced at a very early age and there were no replacement examples available. My concept of love was uniformed to say the least. As a result, my idea of love was heavily influenced by the musical workings of Malcom McCormick, better known as Mac Miller. Without his dedication to exploring the many layered concepts of love, I may have never even attempted to grasp such a heavy topic. Miller was fascinated by the concept of love and his interpretations and confessions were poignant and earnest.
Miller spoke on the topic many times throughout his career. Nearly every album has at least one song that touches on love. Looking at the arc of Miller’s career, his definition of love matured as he aged. From the innocent teenage love on “Wear my hat,” to the contemplative depth explored on “We.” Going as far as creating an alter ego, Larry Lovestein, who created an entire jazz album dedicated to the concept of love and it’s mysterious understanding. My own conception of love was also evolving at the time.
My early definition of love is the selfless willingness to help at any time for any reason. There are a ton of caveats and conditions to when love is cut off, but If I can honestly say I love you to a person, they can expect me to show up without hesitation. This definition comes with its own negative consequences. Most notably, its one-sided nature. Instead of a declaration, love is more like a muscle that grows through time and exposure. It’s not a single statement that covers the basis for a feeling. Love is a constant action.
Teenage Love
As the years went by, my conception of love was altered. A capacity to love began to build. In 2012, I remember listening to Macadelic religiously. I was a junior in highschool. I had only had a handful of relationships, and at the time, partying seemed more important than the pursuit of women. I was content hanging with the boys and getting “fucked up.” I don’t know if I consciously thought of women as objects, but I didn’t respect them as viable friends. It doesn’t help when everyone around you is obsessed with getting as many girls as possible. I never saw the connection of a true relationship. And the skill of flirting and the effort required for dating seemed too low of a risk reward ratio.
Instead, I would blare Millers “Lucky Ass Bitch” and continue a lifestyle of lonely self-indulgence. You a devil bitch, let me tell you that/Feel like I been to hell and back/You textin’ me, addicted, you need me, you miss it/She crazy, she nasty, every day she harass me/I’m fuckin’ her to sleep and then she pay for my taxi. This is a pretty accurate view on my teenage perspective on love. I missed the innocent age of Blue Slide Park and Best Day ever. I was thrown directly into the drug fueled madness of the Macadelic phase.
Thankfully, Miller quickly matured past this adolescent stage. In 2013 he released Watching Movies with the Sound Off, a stunning display of musical growth. No longer filling tracks with braggadocious lines to prove he can rap; this was the first step of maturity in the Mac Miller legacy. Coinciding with my own high school graduation, the need for maturity was mutual and I soaked up the lesson. At the same time, I entered into a serious relationship of my own.
WMWTSO gave space for true love and connection. Looking up to Miller at the time, my 17-year old self was subtley changed. Songs like “objects in the mirror” and “someone like you” are rife with maturity and understanding. “Objects in the Mirror” is one of my favorite songs ever created. To this day, that opening line still rings truer than any idea on love I have ever had. People love you when they on your mind/A thought is love’s currency/And I been thinking about her all the time/I’ve never seen somebody put together perfectly.
Miller carried this maturity with him into his next few albums. Good:AM featured some of Miller’s best song writing to date. “ROS” Is a striking commentary on the fickle nature of love and our natural ability to cope with loss. This is the next step of loves evolution and something Miller helped me understand.
As the song states, Your love is not too kind to me/ The only thing on my mind is she/My love, my love, my love, my love, yeah/And I know that nothing lasts forever/Nothing lasts forever. While I’m thankful my current relationship has lasted forever, I’m not ignorant of life’s changes. Miller helped me become ok with that before ever actually experiencing it.
Adult Love
As we move into 2016’s The Divine Feminine, another ladder of evolution is climbed. TDF is Miller’s take on adult love. Adult love requires compromise and effort. No longer is it enough to tell her she is pretty and take her out for a night on the town. Now we are moving into living together territory and the infamous whispers of “when are you guys getting married?” TDF is beautiful in a way that no other Miller album can copy. The focused subject matter and unique instrumentation blends the lines of hip-hop more than Miller ever had before. It also showcases Miller singing more than we ever had prior. It would be unjust to say that Miller’s open confession of love didn’t open my own heart a bit more in the relationships I have created.
Self Love
The deepest understanding of love comes on Miller’s 2018 album Swimming. His last release before the tragic accidental overdose of the talented musician. What I have come to understand is, self-love is the deepest form of love you can ever express. Because you can never love another person, until you have fully loved yourself. Loving himself is something Mac was actively working on. Looking at Swimming, and the posthumously released Circles, the metaphors toward substance abuse and self-love are abundant. However, the aspect of self-acceptance is the true theme of Millers last two releases.
Miller suffered from overthinking, something I relate all too much with. That’s the intriguing thing about many substances, they allow you to think endlessly from different perspectives. This can clearly be a blessing and a curse. The metaphor of swimming through life’s stresses and ending back at the start of the circle, coping with substances, is a reoccurring motif on the albums. The circle references Millers inability to change himself for others. No matter how hard he tired, he found himself back at the same starting point. Swimming in stressful thoughts and using substances as the jet fuel to leave this earth.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with coming to terms with substance abuse. A person will only stop using substances when they want to stop for themselves. Miller did not want to stop because he enjoyed the widening perspective gained from the highs and the lows. His final two albums are a masterful musical compliment to each other. They are by far the best work he ever created. Miller loved music and that alone would have kept him on this planet for an eternity if it could.
Swimming in Circles is a momentous story of a man finally beginning to accept himself. I don’t believe his lyrics and eventual death were a cry for help as some of suggested. Instead, Miller used music as a form of cleansing for the soul. In Miller’s final interview with Zane Lowe, you can see the love of life still radiant in Miller’s eyes. One quote in particular sticks out in my mind. “I had no version of the story that didn’t end with me being fine,” Miller tells Lowe in reference to the dark material referenced on Swimming.
Regardless of the details regarding his death, I can’t thank Mac Miller enough. One year my senior, I matured and grew on a similar life trajectory. He taught me the importance of loving life, loving people and questioning reality.
Thank you, Mac Miller, your music will live forever. From now until eternity, most dope forever.
Introspection Section 
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